Why Mother's Day Matters

Today while riding Metro-North to Grand Central to see the parade of trains, I looked down at my left hand and took a long look at what is on my finger; the same finger where I should be wearing my own wedding ring, the same finger that according to tradition is connected directly to your heart and I had that momentary pang of despair, that pang that gives you that nano-second of panic followed by that wash of sadness.  On my left finger,directly tied to my heart was my mother's wedding ring she was wearing when she died.  I looked at that small delicate Claddagh ring and realize that even 12 years I really miss her.  Of course that thought made me feel even worse.

My mom could have been described as "hell on wheels", a first class bitch, cold, calculating and cruel.  Naturally,  I inherited all of those qualities.  In retrospect, every single thing I despised about her I became.  And yet, here I sit missing her.  So here I rode on my southbound train, having my private pity party when I looked up and saw a billboard that spelled out in capital letters the word GRATITUDE.  Hahahaha, if there is one thing that I believe; I believe that there are no coincidences.  Message from mom, message from a higher power or  just the perfect time and place when I needed to be grateful, that damn sign was there for a reason.

The attitude of gratitude is not one that can I fully embrace right now.  And yet there is so much to be thankful for.  I have a home, a roof over my head and a child that I love more than life itself.  I'm grateful I've learned to seek forgiveness but I am also wondering if I'll ever laugh again. And a conversation from earlier this week has left me wondering if maybe if I don't really understand loss or just engaging in an extended period of self indulgence.

My best girlfriend in the world lost her son 18 months ago.  He was my daughter's best friend, her prom date  and her confidant, after a trip to the dentist 18 months ago, he dropped dead.  More than likely he dropped dead from a reaction to an antibiotic dispensed after a tooth extraction.  Tim's death sent me and Rachel reeling but I can't imagine what his mom, my best friend Charlotte has gone through in 17 months.  She was the first person I've reached out to, to deal with loss and we've had some interesting chats in the last couple of months.  But it was this pseudo-holiday of Mother's Day, that sent us over the edge.

There is nobody buying us bracelets at Jared, there are no brunches planned, and no one to thank us for how we've raised our children.  We bitterly chuckled  and wondered if our children (who remain) would be better without us.  Charlotte called in sick to work this week, went to the movies, and drank some Gin to help her cope with loss on Mother's Day.  I on the other hand went to go look at antique trains, accepted an invitation to a barbeque on Mother's Day, and went for a run.  God willing, we'll both wake up Monday morning and breathe a collective sigh of relief and steel ourselves for the next holiday.

We both still have children who need us.  Her remaining sons still love and enjoy their mom.  My daughter is still learning to deal with the ultimate heartbreak and my son,, though out in Ohio and dealing with a fast moving form of MS has made time to listen to me.  LOL they DO grow up and they do learn what empathy is and surprisingly enough, they get it from their mothers.

"Mom, you did some seriously strange things to me over the years but I guess you had your reasons for it.  You're gone and it is time to let bygones just be bygones.  Happy Mother's Day wherever you are".