I laughed this week. For the first time in months I laughed. On my Facebook page, in perpetuity there is a picture of me, in my running gear, striking a pose on an abandoned old school tricycle is me; the new me, a thinner me, a marathon runner me, a cleaner me, a honest me and a me who laughed this week. A me who is emerging from a period of great sorrow and introspect, and a me who can still appreciate a laugh. My prop is an old school metal tricycle-that was abandoned next to a trash can at the Kensico Dam Plaza. While working out, I passed that trike three times and wondered why it had been abandoned until I looked at it. Though in beautiful condition, it was old, metal and probably painted with lead paint. No doubt, a do gooder told the owners of the trike that it would probably cause their child or grandchild a great deal of physical harm if that was indeed lead paint...especially if the kid was sucking on the bike rather than just riding it.. and so they abandoned it. Their consequence... they've got to buy a new bike at a great expense and one that may not be as well built as that old red, shiny trike.
I got on that bike and struck a few poses because I am that trike. Older, less flashy, not as light weight as plastic, but functional, sturdy and dependable...just like that bike. But like that bike, there was a time when I was toxic when you got too close to me. The consequence of being compared to that bike is such.. we both got tossed into the trash. As toxic as that lead paint, I chose to tell a couple of women off ; my consequence is sadness and loneliness. Their consequence is dividing a family, a consequence that may be un-repairable. I doubt they even know the depth of their hand in this. Not that it matters at this point, the fact remains that no matter how cavalier your actions are, or whether you are hidden behind the mask of a party, you are responsible for the consequences you set in motion.
You are responsible for not accepting an apology, and you are acceptable for replacing love and hard work for status quo or in other words... contentment. Contentment will never replace happiness. Happiness in a family, a job, or a marriage is and will always be hard work. Contentment is for those looking for an easy way out. I've chosen through the hard work of introspection ,the replacement of bad habits with good ones and the allowances of periods of happiness to realize that every single one of your actions directly (and indirectly) affects another.
The consequence of my bad behavior this past winter has come home to roost. I've heard via unsolicited phone calls, some really bad stuff that is being said about me. I've heard that I'm an alcoholic, that I have a problem with pills, that I need to be in a mental hospital, that I am to be pitied, to be monitored on FB and well.. you get the picture. I've accepted my consequences but those who continue the silliness, haven't accepted the consequences of theirs.
That stupid bike picture tells it all. I'm a long distance runner, drunks and druggies can't run 10 miles a day. I'm thin, not by choice but by circumstance. Enough said about that; when I can eat, I eat clean. The consequence of my grief is a lack of appetite; maybe someday I'll get to eat a Big Mac again. Right now, when I think of that sandwich I wretch...it is a consequence of my sorrow. I want it but I can't have it...and that picture also says...you can laugh because you deserve to laugh.
Responsibility and consequence go hand and hand. There is just no other way to convey that, when you are responsible, you understand the consequence of your action. I get that... my beloved does not at this point. Until he gets it, I will laugh when the moment when something strikes me as funny. I will continue to be sad and mourn the futility of the situation but I did realize there will be laughter.
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