Happy Birthday to Me

On the eve of my 56th birthday, I've decided to bring back my blog as a sort of birthday gift to myself.  My 55th year has been of no doubt the worst year of my life; I participated in the worst house swap of my life, I've had to give up my parrot, my 22 year old cat dropped dead yesterday and my husband of nearly 25 years abruptly left us saying he needed a temporary break.  And, I've found myself sitting in a therapist's chair once a week as a commitment to be my own agent of change.  No lie, it sucks, but to my utter surprise, if you make that commitment, the process actually works. Part of my commitment is opening this blog to all.  My previous blog was a "by invitation only" this time around its open for everyone to read and comment on... the good the bad and the ugly. 

By trade, I'm a political columnist for a non-mainstream political weekly.  By virtue of the population that I chat with on a daily basis I am known as a bad-ass.  I have conflicted feelings about having that reputation.  Whether you write, tweet, Facebook or appear on any other media form, what you put out there will eventually get back to you whether it is good or bad; believe me I've learned this the hard way. I brought being a bad-ass home.  Being a bad-ass at work works for me but it now stays at work. I've made a non-aggression pact with myself that in order to change, I can only be a bad-ass at work. When I get home, I have to go soft. While I'm on the subject of the work/home conflict, I've learned the hard way that when you turn down the dimmer on your light switch so that another gets a chance to shine is a big mistake.  Once you begin to dim your own light, you eventually end up sitting in the dark...by yourself.

Sitting in the dark for a while however is not necessarily a bad thing though. It gives you a lot of time for thought and pause.  I'm learning to stop worrying about what others think of me.  The people I am worrying about are going to talk and have an opinion of me no matter what and that opinion will more than likely be negative.  I guess I've learned that you'll never ever change a hater's opinion of you so you might as well forgive and move forward. All people will do things to us that are not very nice but they have their reasons for doing so and I'm not going to take it personally anymore.

People are in your life for a reason.  Over the last few painful months I've learned a lot about friendships.  Those friends who have been friends for a long time will be your friend not only in good times but in particular, bad times.  Fast friends are fast for a reason, they're there for the sheer thrill of a temporary ride; when the excitement is gone, they're gone too.  Good friends listen, but let you make your own decisions.  Good friends realize only you can complete you...

It hasn't all been bad though.  I can look back on the year and see a few bright spots.  I took in a forever dog, a 13 year old pit-bull who spent 11 years in a shelter.  He and my Brussels Griffon are inseparable and that is a beautiful thing.  I am back in my beloved condo; it is a different and yet bittersweet homecoming but there really is no place like home.  I've lost 35lbs and have taken up long distance running.  The diet was naturally a by-product of chaos but the running has given me focus. Running is also one of those "lone wolf" forms of exercise that works for me.  I like the solitude and the pain. I am letting go of the old me on a daily basis, I am working to replace it with a newer version of me, one of  forgiveness, and peace.  I've reacquainted myself with my motto that hope is indeed the parent of faith. 

So today I kiss 55 good-bye and tomorrow evening my beloved friends and daughter will meet atop 42, have a drink and watch the sunset on what has been a painful and pivotal year.  I'm sure there will be days that I have to remind myself to breath in and breath out and there will be those days where I will silently want to punch the living daylights out of the person who cuts in front of me while on line at Starbucks. But like all good works in progress, I'll get there.