I Only Want to Live a Life Without Consequence...

I laughed this week.  For the first time in months I laughed.  On my Facebook page, in perpetuity there is a picture of me, in my running gear, striking a pose on an abandoned old school tricycle is me; the new me, a thinner me, a marathon runner me, a cleaner me, a honest me and a me who laughed this week.  A me who is emerging from a period of great sorrow and introspect, and a me who can still appreciate a laugh.  My prop is an old school metal tricycle-that was abandoned next to a trash can at the Kensico Dam Plaza.  While working out, I passed that trike three times and wondered why it had been abandoned until I looked at it.  Though in beautiful condition, it was old, metal and probably painted with lead paint.  No doubt, a do gooder told the owners of the trike that it would probably cause their child or grandchild a great deal of physical harm if that was indeed lead paint...especially if the kid was sucking on the bike rather than just riding it.. and so they abandoned it.  Their consequence... they've got to buy a new bike at a great expense and one that may not be as well built as that old red, shiny trike.

I got on that bike and struck a few poses because I am that trike.  Older, less flashy, not as light weight as plastic, but functional, sturdy and dependable...just like that bike.  But like that bike, there was a time when I was toxic when you got too close to me.  The consequence of being compared to that bike is such.. we both got tossed into the trash.  As toxic as that lead paint, I chose to tell a couple of women off ; my consequence is sadness and loneliness.  Their consequence is dividing a family, a consequence that may be un-repairable.  I doubt they even know the depth of their hand in this.  Not that it matters at this point, the fact remains that no matter how cavalier your actions are, or whether you are hidden behind the mask of a party, you are responsible for the  consequences you set in motion. 

You are responsible for not accepting an apology, and you are acceptable for replacing love and hard work for status quo or in other words... contentment.  Contentment will never replace happiness.  Happiness in a family, a job, or a marriage is and will always be hard work.  Contentment is for those looking for an easy way out.   I've chosen through the hard work of introspection ,the replacement of bad habits with good ones and the allowances of periods of happiness to realize that every single one of your actions directly (and indirectly) affects another.

The consequence of my bad behavior this past winter has come home to roost.  I've heard via unsolicited phone calls, some really bad stuff that is being said about me.  I've heard that I'm an alcoholic, that I have a problem with pills, that I need to be in a mental hospital, that I am to be pitied, to be monitored on FB and well.. you get the picture. I've accepted my consequences but those who continue the silliness, haven't accepted the consequences of theirs.

That stupid bike picture tells it all.  I'm a long distance runner, drunks and druggies can't run 10 miles a day.  I'm thin, not by choice but by circumstance. Enough said about that; when I can eat, I eat clean. The consequence of my grief is a lack of appetite; maybe someday I'll get to eat a Big Mac again.  Right now, when I think of that sandwich I wretch...it is a consequence of my sorrow.  I want it but I can't have it...and that picture also says...you can laugh because you deserve to laugh.

Responsibility and consequence go hand and hand. There is just no other  way to convey that, when you are responsible, you understand the consequence of your action.  I get that... my beloved does not at this point. Until he gets it, I will laugh when the moment when something strikes me as funny.  I will continue to be sad and mourn the futility of the situation but I did realize there will be laughter.

Use Your Words... But Use Them Wisely

I like words.  Good thing since I write a weekly column for a local paper and often appear on several radio shows throughout the month.  However, in the last couple of weeks, I've come to really despise some words  that have been overused conversationally and in writing.  Those three words are pathetic, puppet and empowered.

Never before have three words sparked such an internal visceral effect from me.  Those three adjectives were used by people who wanted to convey their "message" to me.  Yeah, I get it, I'm not dumb, but instead of conveying their "message" using those words, they made me angry; almost as angry as I get when I hear "Stairway to Heaven" on the radio. I'm different these days for sure but those three words made me positively homicidal last week.

I've used the word pathetic to describe an action or a person but I never actually realized what a mean ugly little word it really is until I decided to look it up.  When I looked it up, it sent me straight to the toilet to puke. 

The definition of Pathetic in a nutshell was the description of an individual  who is "miserably inadequate".  In other words, when you call a person pathetic you're saying that they're nothing more than pitiful and pitiable.  Looking at that definition made me understand that I'm really going to think twice before using that word ever again.  After all, at one point in time or another, all of us have been pathetic; that's the curse of humanity.  However being pathetic shouldn't be a forever sentence to serve in our lives.  It is just a passage that no one should have to be reminded of.  And with that, I am banning the word pathetic from my vocabulary.

Also on the ban list this week is the word Puppet.  A long time favorite word of mine when describing ineffective elected officials.  I use this word pretty frequently and thought nothing about it until receiving a couple of unsolicited phone calls about an elected official who has constituents  calling him a puppet.  However this time they were describing a family member.  So after listening to these callers, both of whom used that word,  off I went to the dictionary...again.

The definition of Puppet sent me back to the toilet; A puppet by definition is a person or a party who is under control of another person, group or power.  What sent me back to the toilet actually, was the possibility that this description might be true.  But when you think about the synonym of puppet, you realize that they are describing an empty headed doll. Nobody wants to hear that someone you love is under the collective thumbs of others.  Those two callers, while invading my private space did wake me up.  I'm gonna have to be really careful when describing elected officials.  Nobody deserves to be called an empty headed rag doll and I won't be using that term anytime soon to describe an elected official.  I still believe that most elected folks enter into office for the most altruistic of reasons but often fall off the path.  Still, I am banning the word puppet from my vocabulary.

The final word I am banning is Empower.  Gosh darn it, I have a female friend who calls on a regular basis to "empower" me.    The old me would really like to say "bitch... you just have no idea how powerful me and my word processor are".  "Empower", to give one total control over others... to give one 'the power".  Hahaha this woman must have no idea of what this actually means... when she uses the word empower, what I really think she means is that all women need to cut off the balls of those who don't agree with them/her/.  She has no idea that really when you trust someone with power, you actually have to put your trust in them 100% to do the right thing even when it isn't popular.  Its not about emasculating everyone in your path.  The people I write about may momentarily wince when I have their balls in a vice but they all know that no matter what side they may be on, I'll be fair to them.  It might be painful but it will always be fair; even if I don't like you or agree with your policy.

Being "empowered" doesn't mean that I'm going to speak negatively about my husband and daughter.  Talking about those you love the most doesn't empower me as a woman; it makes me a shriveled up little wench.  If I have a thought about either one of them that may be less than flowery, then being an "empowered woman" means keeping it to myself.

Banning these three words from my vocabulary is hoped to do two things for me.  As an adult,  it is high time I return to civility.  Slinging poop and poor adjectives doesn't make me a responsible adult.   And secondly the banning of those three words forces me to give up any grudge I have for another, and, then putting it out there for everyone to see.  I'm returning to the era of civility, are you?

Why Mother's Day Matters

Today while riding Metro-North to Grand Central to see the parade of trains, I looked down at my left hand and took a long look at what is on my finger; the same finger where I should be wearing my own wedding ring, the same finger that according to tradition is connected directly to your heart and I had that momentary pang of despair, that pang that gives you that nano-second of panic followed by that wash of sadness.  On my left finger,directly tied to my heart was my mother's wedding ring she was wearing when she died.  I looked at that small delicate Claddagh ring and realize that even 12 years I really miss her.  Of course that thought made me feel even worse.

My mom could have been described as "hell on wheels", a first class bitch, cold, calculating and cruel.  Naturally,  I inherited all of those qualities.  In retrospect, every single thing I despised about her I became.  And yet, here I sit missing her.  So here I rode on my southbound train, having my private pity party when I looked up and saw a billboard that spelled out in capital letters the word GRATITUDE.  Hahahaha, if there is one thing that I believe; I believe that there are no coincidences.  Message from mom, message from a higher power or  just the perfect time and place when I needed to be grateful, that damn sign was there for a reason.

The attitude of gratitude is not one that can I fully embrace right now.  And yet there is so much to be thankful for.  I have a home, a roof over my head and a child that I love more than life itself.  I'm grateful I've learned to seek forgiveness but I am also wondering if I'll ever laugh again. And a conversation from earlier this week has left me wondering if maybe if I don't really understand loss or just engaging in an extended period of self indulgence.

My best girlfriend in the world lost her son 18 months ago.  He was my daughter's best friend, her prom date  and her confidant, after a trip to the dentist 18 months ago, he dropped dead.  More than likely he dropped dead from a reaction to an antibiotic dispensed after a tooth extraction.  Tim's death sent me and Rachel reeling but I can't imagine what his mom, my best friend Charlotte has gone through in 17 months.  She was the first person I've reached out to, to deal with loss and we've had some interesting chats in the last couple of months.  But it was this pseudo-holiday of Mother's Day, that sent us over the edge.

There is nobody buying us bracelets at Jared, there are no brunches planned, and no one to thank us for how we've raised our children.  We bitterly chuckled  and wondered if our children (who remain) would be better without us.  Charlotte called in sick to work this week, went to the movies, and drank some Gin to help her cope with loss on Mother's Day.  I on the other hand went to go look at antique trains, accepted an invitation to a barbeque on Mother's Day, and went for a run.  God willing, we'll both wake up Monday morning and breathe a collective sigh of relief and steel ourselves for the next holiday.

We both still have children who need us.  Her remaining sons still love and enjoy their mom.  My daughter is still learning to deal with the ultimate heartbreak and my son,, though out in Ohio and dealing with a fast moving form of MS has made time to listen to me.  LOL they DO grow up and they do learn what empathy is and surprisingly enough, they get it from their mothers.

"Mom, you did some seriously strange things to me over the years but I guess you had your reasons for it.  You're gone and it is time to let bygones just be bygones.  Happy Mother's Day wherever you are".

The Path to Happiness isn't Always so Happy

I spend a lot of time thinking about the path to happiness and if there is one  thing I've learned so far is that one spends a great deal of their time being unhappy while on that path.  The greatest light bulb moment on this path has been this one thought;  in order to stay on this new path, I have two words that must be said...I'm Sorry.

Those same words that we struggle with when w're three years old, are just as difficult to say when you are an older adult.  Those simple yet painful words, are the consequence of ugly words, ugly thoughts and even uglier still, mean and manipulative behavior.  In my last blog, I touched on the concept of forgiveness
of self and others, but this week I had my own A-ha moment.  In order to fully embrace the concept of forgiveness, I needed to apologize...to everyone.

The mere fact that I was so obtuse to the hurt I was inflicting on everyone in my path is in introspect, shocking and embarrassing.  My own bad behavior was getting in the way of my happiness and those around me.  In that A-ha moment I also realized two things that I suppose are those "better late than never" truths:

If you demonstrate loving actions towards others, it inspires loving feelings from them...right back at-cha.  Ummm....that was a cathartic moment when you realize that you aren't treating those around you with any loving actions.  In a nutshell,it boils down to this; if you want to change the way you feel and how others feel about you, you simply have to change your actions.  Who knew that it would be such a simple concept that is changing my life.

Anger and manipulation aren't a way of life.  They're (at least I think so) a defense mechanism for the only form of self-preservation that I knew.  Right about now, the only one that I'm angry with is myself.

What gets in the way of your happiness?  Comments are always welcome but if you prefer privacy, you can always drop me a line @nancyking57@gmail.com.

Happy Birthday to Me

On the eve of my 56th birthday, I've decided to bring back my blog as a sort of birthday gift to myself.  My 55th year has been of no doubt the worst year of my life; I participated in the worst house swap of my life, I've had to give up my parrot, my 22 year old cat dropped dead yesterday and my husband of nearly 25 years abruptly left us saying he needed a temporary break.  And, I've found myself sitting in a therapist's chair once a week as a commitment to be my own agent of change.  No lie, it sucks, but to my utter surprise, if you make that commitment, the process actually works. Part of my commitment is opening this blog to all.  My previous blog was a "by invitation only" this time around its open for everyone to read and comment on... the good the bad and the ugly. 

By trade, I'm a political columnist for a non-mainstream political weekly.  By virtue of the population that I chat with on a daily basis I am known as a bad-ass.  I have conflicted feelings about having that reputation.  Whether you write, tweet, Facebook or appear on any other media form, what you put out there will eventually get back to you whether it is good or bad; believe me I've learned this the hard way. I brought being a bad-ass home.  Being a bad-ass at work works for me but it now stays at work. I've made a non-aggression pact with myself that in order to change, I can only be a bad-ass at work. When I get home, I have to go soft. While I'm on the subject of the work/home conflict, I've learned the hard way that when you turn down the dimmer on your light switch so that another gets a chance to shine is a big mistake.  Once you begin to dim your own light, you eventually end up sitting in the dark...by yourself.

Sitting in the dark for a while however is not necessarily a bad thing though. It gives you a lot of time for thought and pause.  I'm learning to stop worrying about what others think of me.  The people I am worrying about are going to talk and have an opinion of me no matter what and that opinion will more than likely be negative.  I guess I've learned that you'll never ever change a hater's opinion of you so you might as well forgive and move forward. All people will do things to us that are not very nice but they have their reasons for doing so and I'm not going to take it personally anymore.

People are in your life for a reason.  Over the last few painful months I've learned a lot about friendships.  Those friends who have been friends for a long time will be your friend not only in good times but in particular, bad times.  Fast friends are fast for a reason, they're there for the sheer thrill of a temporary ride; when the excitement is gone, they're gone too.  Good friends listen, but let you make your own decisions.  Good friends realize only you can complete you...

It hasn't all been bad though.  I can look back on the year and see a few bright spots.  I took in a forever dog, a 13 year old pit-bull who spent 11 years in a shelter.  He and my Brussels Griffon are inseparable and that is a beautiful thing.  I am back in my beloved condo; it is a different and yet bittersweet homecoming but there really is no place like home.  I've lost 35lbs and have taken up long distance running.  The diet was naturally a by-product of chaos but the running has given me focus. Running is also one of those "lone wolf" forms of exercise that works for me.  I like the solitude and the pain. I am letting go of the old me on a daily basis, I am working to replace it with a newer version of me, one of  forgiveness, and peace.  I've reacquainted myself with my motto that hope is indeed the parent of faith. 

So today I kiss 55 good-bye and tomorrow evening my beloved friends and daughter will meet atop 42, have a drink and watch the sunset on what has been a painful and pivotal year.  I'm sure there will be days that I have to remind myself to breath in and breath out and there will be those days where I will silently want to punch the living daylights out of the person who cuts in front of me while on line at Starbucks. But like all good works in progress, I'll get there.